Toronto, once again standing in for some American city in the movie Resident Evil, was seen bearing the emblem “Raccoon City.” So fitting. Our city has one of the world’s most abundant raccoon populations, or so they say.

At least five of them are now living and poohing on the roof of our little cedar shed. Our little raccoon-pooh-impregnated cedar shed. The shed that’s currently competing with the lilacs and the daphne for aromatic supremacy of our back garden. And I won’t mention the tulips, wantonly snapped off in the bud every spring.

This isn’t the place for the nuts and bolts story on raccoons. For more on that, check out the link below.

http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/182584/Raccoons_in_Toronto

Instead, I’ll give you this song, courtesy of the Alanis Morissette Lyric Generator.

“Why”

Raccoon turds, snapped-off tulips, broken leaves
Why God, Why?
Snapped-off tulips, spilled garbage cans, raccoons
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this red horror?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of raccoons
Like a Robert Frost character, I’m wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Screechy cries, raccoon turds, more raccoon turds
Why God, Why?
Raccoons, more raccoon turds, broken leaves
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this red disaster that is my life?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of raccoons
Like a Robert Frost character, I’m wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this red misery?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of raccoons
Like a Robert Frost character, I’m wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?

They’re so cute. They’re so devilish. Somebody, please free me from this furry fate.